David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and says "that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy." "No", Beckham says "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an aeroplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." "Wonderful," Beckham beams. "Marvellous, and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
 

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Man Fucking Utd.
 

Q: Why do people take an instant disliking to Man Utd fans?
A: It saves time!
 

Q: Whats the difference between a Man Utd fan and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
 

Q: What should you do if a Man Utd fan throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
 

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.
As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?" David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump! "STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."

"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou." So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:

1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.
2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.
3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.

Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?" Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.

After a brutal rogering, blood everywhere, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is. "24" replies Beckham.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.